I grew up on Disney and Fairytales. I loved the idea of love and I never met a Rom Com that I didn’t like.
That scene in the movie Jerry Maguire where he says, “you complete me” used to melt me-that is just the kind of love I wanted. I wanted to complete someone and have them complete me.
The problem is, when you make someone else your identity, your worth and your sense of self becomes entangled in them. If you lose them, you lose yourself. I learned that lesson the hard way.
When I met my now husband, I was newly divorced and navigating single motherhood with three small kids. I had lost my identity, my vision of what life was going to be. I’d done everything step by step the way I was supposed to. Went to college, got my degree, got married, had kids. My plan was to follow that step by step process through until I died. We’d raise the kids together as a perfect family. We’d watch them graduate, get married, and have kids of their own and that would be that.
That was, in fact, not that. Life threw some curveballs and I found myself in the throws of single motherhood, trying to piece back together some semblance of a life.
That’s when he showed up. And that’s when I discovered what real romance is.
The Real Romance
It’s not grand gestures, passionate fighting and making up, or allowing someone to rescue you like a white knight and build your crumbled castle back for you.
The real romance is when he stands beside you, patiently handing you each brick, knowing you need to be the one to build them back and supporting you as you do.
Real romance isn’t grand gestures. It’s not candlelit dinners and fancy jewelry. It’s ordering take out and eating on the couch.
It’s not a diamond bracelet, but a paper bracelet he bought you to pay admission to your kids’ fifth ballgame this week.
The real romance isn’t buying a plane ticket to stop the plane and apologize in front of the entire plane. It’s in the quiet moments of listening to understand and a commitment to hear your partner and adjust when necessary.
The real romance isn’t rose petals on the bed. It’s knowing that your partner needs their fan blowing in their face to sleep and even though it’s not your preference, you learn to love it.
It’s not in declarations in front of a huge crowd of people. It’s found in actions-picking up your favorite snack on the way home, pumping gas, making her coffee just the way she likes it-in front of the kids that will one day be partners to someone.
The real romance doesn’t just happen on fancy date nights. It’s cuddling on the couch or holding hands in the car.
The real romance isn’t showing up and rescuing the princess just in the nick of time. It’s allowing her to fight the bad guys herself because you trust in her strength and capabilities. But you’ll still be cheering from the sidelines.
The real romance isn’t spending every waking moment together. It’s keeping separate interests and hobbies and building a life together that balances the needs and interests of both people.
The real romance isn’t dramatic fights and breaking dishes, just to have a passionate make up session. It’s wiping tears, sitting in hospital rooms, praying together.
The real romance isn’t long love letters with fancy words and declarations of love. It’s found in the sticky notes left on the counter that say, “have a good day” or “don’t forget to pick up bread”
The real romance isn’t just slow dancing in the kitchen. It’s doing the dishes.
Romance isn’t walking miles in the pouring rain to confess their undying love. It’s sharing a too small umbrella.
Romance, the real romance, is found in the day to day. It’s seeing the messiest and most vulnerable parts of someone and choosing them anyway. It’s apologizing and giving grace-over and over and as often as needed. It’s doing the things you don’t feel like doing. It’s supporting their goals, being their biggest cheerleader, hard conversations and honesty. It’s dealing with bills, sickness, challenges together as a team. It’s intertwined in the day to day-the mundane. It’s choosing each other when it’s amazing and when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Real romance isn’t found in the grand declarations, it’s in the whispered I love yous. The real romance is a love that is steady, safe, kind, forgiving, and mutual. .
When you find it, you will know with every ounce of your being. And I hope you live happily ever after.
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