As a mom and a woman in general, I’m often running on empty. Running from one errand to the next, remembering who needs to be where at what time and what time they have to be picked up-coordinating like an air traffic controller, making sure no one crashes. Like most moms, I put my needs aside and carry the weight for everyone else. I manage tasks and schedules, anticipate needs, and run through all possible scenarios to try to keep life running smoothly. I worry enough for the entire family and there’s rarely a time my brain is turned off. It works, for a while.
And then comes the crash. I get snippy. I burst into tears over something small because I’m so tired and that ONE MORE THING just pushed me over the edge. I sit in my car when I pull in the driveway just to spend a few minutes in absolute silence. I find myself hiding in the bathroom just to steal a few moments of peace. I get stuck in survival mode day to day and life just loses its sparkle. It becomes just “getting through the day” instead of really living in joy.
Burnout-when you’re tired down to your bones-isn’t just a physical tiredness. It’s exhaustion on a soul level from carrying the mental load for everyone else. It’s being stuck in task mode. It’s checking one thing off the list and robotically moving on to the next. It’s being needed at any given moment.
Moms are supposed to be superhuman. We aren’t supposed to show weakness. We aren’t supposed to have needs. We just keep trucking along. Yes, moms are strong. But we’ve been lied to. Or maybe we are the ones that have lied to ourselves. Here are some of the lies about motherhood that I’m unlearning.
YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG ALL THE TIME
You really don’t. In fact, it’s good for your kids to see you struggling. It’s good for them to see you vulnerable. When you show your weakness, you’re teaching them how to be human. How to overcome challenges, work through hard things, and how to be comfortable being vulnerable. This is actually a beautiful way to build a deeper connection and help them learn empathy and self love.
YOU HAVE TO EARN REST
Rest is not something that you get in exchange for running yourself into the ground. You don’t have to accomplish a whole day’s worth of work to earn it. You can just rest because it’s what your body, your brain, or your soul needs.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THINGS JUST FOR YOU
In fact, you should be doing this on a regular basis. If you don’t, resentment will build. You will lose your identity. You’ll forget who you are. When you pour into yourself by doing the things outside of motherhood that light you up, you are showing your kids how to be whole people. You’re fueling yourself at a soul level and when you do that, you are going to come back to your family with a full cup and as a better partner and parent. You’ll find that you have more patience, more gratitude, and more joy. What you pour into yourself, spills over.
YOUR KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST
This one is tough for me to even type. My kids do always come first. But it’s okay if sometimes, they don’t. Because sometimes the priority has to be your mental or physical health. Sometimes, it’s an important lesson for our kids to learn that they aren’t always the center of the universe and they have to be okay with sometimes taking the back seat to the needs of other people.
IT WILL GET EASIER AS THEY GET OLDER
My oldest is in high school, and it hasn’t gotten easier yet. My mom tells me it still hasn’t gotten easier for her yet, either. The day to day may not be as daunting and the needs are not as unrelenting, but the challenges get bigger. Those toddler problems become big kid problems and those big kid problems turn into adult problems, and as a mom, you want to be able to fix it all. The problem is, as they grow, you have less and less control. Motherhood is a difficult balance between when to hold them tight and when to lessen your grip and let them go. It’s not easy. It’s never easy. The challenges don’t go away, they just evolve.
ONE MISTAKE CAN MESS THEM UP FOR LIFE
Good moms constantly questions themselves-am I doing it right? Are they going to need therapy because of something I’m doing too much or not doing enough? Am I a terrible mom? The truth is, you’re going to make mistakes. Lots of them. No matter how hard you try, you’re going to do things that hurt your kids. You will not be able to meet all of their needs. You will sometimes say the wrong thing. You will often do the wrong thing. That’s not what matters. What matters is how you handle it after. If you communicate, apologize and take accountability when you’re wrong, and make sure your children feel truly loved and SEEN, they are going to be just fine.
You’re doing a much better job than you believe you are, mama. Take some of the energy you use to pour into everyone around you, take some of that love and worry and care, and apply it to yourself. You AND your family will be better for it.
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