Becoming a single mom of three kids under the age of six felt like the worst nightmare of my life. Those years were some of the loneliest, uncertain and most challenging I’ve experienced. I was grieving what I thought life was going to look like while trying to keep it all together for them. I had no idea what my future held. I was terrified that I wasn’t enough, that my kids were going to be ruined for life, that I was going to make all the wrong choices for them.
If I could go back in time, I’d tell that broken version of me so many things. I can’t tell her, but if you’re struggling as a single mom, I can tell you.
All your kids need is you.
Your kids are going to be okay. They really will. Your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They don’t need you to be strong every second of every day. They don’t need perfection, they just need your presence. They need you to show up. They need to feel safe and seen. You will never be able to protect them from pain and disappointment, but you can walk them through it. They will grieve and hurt, too and it will be harder for them in some ways because there will be so much out of their control and they don’t yet have the coping mechanisms that you do.
But Mama? They’re going to be just fine. They’re going to look at you and learn how to cope with pain. They’re going to witness how you overcome obstacles, how you show grace, how you make mistakes and grow from them. They will learn from you that it is okay to break down, sit with those hard things, and get back up again. They will see that you can be sad and feel joy anyway. You kids aren’t broken. They’re being built.
There is peace in forgiveness.
It doesn’t matter what circumstances led to a broken marriage, there will be a need for forgiveness. If the other person betrayed you, was unkind, deceived you, or abandoned you-you are going to feel a lot of hurt and will have some deep wounds. Forgiving is not for them. It doesn’t matter if they’re sorry, if they recognize the pain the caused, or if they don’t ever change. Bitterness and resentment will hold your peace hostage. Maybe you’re the person that you need to forgive. Maybe you caused the hurt, maybe you missed red flags, maybe you were too trusting, maybe you were selfish. Punishing yourself for the rest of your life doesn’t change it and it doesn’t allow you to grow. Do the hard work of forgiveness and set yourself free.
Journaling was one way that helped me find forgiveness. If this is something you’re struggling with, try these journal prompts to guide you.
Your healing is going to be really messy.
With the loss of a marriage comes grief. It’s a different type of grief than a death. You’re grieving so many things at once. The loss of a dream, the loss of who you were before, the loss of who you thought THEY were. You’re grieving someone you can still look at and talk to. You’ll go through every stage of grief, multiple times. You will think you’re healed and grief will pop up our of nowhere and smack you right in the face. You might say or do things that aren’t in alignment with who you are. It’s okay. It’s a messy process and it’s not linear. You will cycle through all the stages over and over again until you truly heal. It might take a long time. There’s no timeline for healing and no right way to do it. Let it be messy, just keep moving.
You are stronger than you think.
Single parenthood is lonely and hard. Even if you have a great support system and an involved coparent, you’re going to have to dig deep just to stay in survival mode for a while. The mental load is brutal. The things to manage and remember, keeping things running for your family when you just want to shut down and hide. Wading through your own pain while keeping everyone else afloat is exhausting. Amazingly enough, you will always find the strength you need. It will always appear just when you think you can’t go on anymore. You won’t always feel strong and it may not be until you look back on this time that you see it, but you will be in awe of yourself.
You won’t feel like this forever.
When you are new in your single motherhood journey, the days can feel endless. I remember feeling like I was trudging through each day with cinder blocks tied to my feet. No spark, no sense of purpose, no joy. Even in the dark days, I knew on a soul level that I wouldn’t feel this way for the rest of my life. I knew there was more on the other side of this pain, but to get there I had to trudge through. There’s no rushing through healing. You just have to go through it, to get through it.
There is so much joy to come.
If I could go back and talk to that scared single mom, I would tell her that she has no idea. No idea the experiences she has yet to have. The places she has yet to visit. The people that she hasn’t yet met that will become central to her life. The memories she is going to make, the joy she will find, the sense of purpose she will feel. She will look through life with a different lens-one with more empathy, a new depth, and a new perspective. Some of her best days haven’t happened yet and she hasn’t even made some of her favorite memories. There is so much more to come.
You will find your people.
I remember being so surprised at the people that abandoned me. People I thought were my forever people, jumped ship. I was more heartbroken about that. What I didn’t know was that those people leaving made room for the ones that are my forever people. My relationships deepened and many new characters came into my life that I knew were meant for me in some way. I started to more easily recognize my soul people.
Be kind to yourself.
You are going to feel like you’re not enough. You will struggle. You will worry about failing your kids. You will be overwhelmed. You are juggling so much right now that you won’t always show up as the best version of yourself. You will cope in ways that might not be healthy. You will feel guilty as a mom. You’ll feel like you aren’t doing enough, you aren’t present enough, you aren’t what they need. When stress is high, giving grace to yourself is essential. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with the tools you have right now. Do what you can do and let that be enough for now.
For more about giving yourself grace, read this:
https://betteroffhealed.com/give-yourself-the-grace-you-give-everyone-else/: What I Would Tell Myself As A Newly Single Mom If I Could Go Back In Time
This doesn’t define you.
You’re not a failure because you’re a single mom. You are enough, just as you are. You are so much more than a single mother. This might be your story, but it doesn’t have to become your identity. The beautiful thing about your life crumbling, is that you get to rebuild it exactly how you want to. Your story is not what happened, it’s who you become while overcoming, rebuilding, growing, and healing. You are brave, strong, resilient. You will use your experience to walk others through theirs. You will use your pain to create purpose and THAT will be your story.
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