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Forgiveness. It has been a recurring theme in my life. A lesson that I have been given over and over again. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t struggled with forgiveness.
Here is everything I didn’t know about forgiveness.
It isn’t for them
Forgiveness isn’t letting someone off the hook for hurting you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or minimizing your pain. It does not mean relieving their guilt or giving someone that hurt you your trust. It really has very little to do with the person that wounded you.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is releasing the power of what was done to you. It is letting go of the need to hold on to the hurt. It is healing, for YOU. It is loosening the grip of bitterness, sadness, and grudge holding from your heart.
You don’t need their apology. You don’t need their acknowledgement of your pain. You can’t control if they change their behavior, recognize that they hurt you, or if they ever feel actual remorse. You don’t need to control any of that and you CAN’T. You don’t need anything from them to find forgiveness. It is a gift that you give yourself that they don’t get to have any say in.
It isn’t linear
This one was a big lesson for me. I always thought forgiving was a process with an end goal. You worked through your feelings, accepted an apology (if there was one), and moved forward with life. That was that. You never brought it up again. You were under contract to pretend it didn’t happen. You chose to forgive, so you didn’t get to feel those feelings of anger and resentment again.
Boy, was I wrong. Forgiving someone is rarely a one time event. You can forgive someone, set your heart free, and go about your life, feeling light and carefree. Then something seemingly small happens, and you’re thrown right back into that vulnerable place of anger, hurt, and bitterness. So you have to do it all over again. Forgiving takes work. You may have to forgive a person for the same event over and over. It’s choosing to wake up to a new day and do it all over again. I want to make it clear that I am not talking about telling someone you forgive them and using that event against them for the rest of their lives. That isn’t true forgiveness. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or not being triggered by something that can take you back to that place where you were hurting. It means being able to be triggered, and work through those feelings quickly and more efficiently each time.
It doesn’t mean what they did was okay
Forgiving someone does not mean that you approve of what they did. It does not mean that it was ok and it certainly doesn’t mean that they should not be held accountable for choices that hurt others. It also does not mean that you should open yourself back up to them and risk being hurt all over again. It does not mean that you need to have any kind of relationship with them. Remember, forgiveness is not about them at all. It’s setting yourself free. It’s taking your power back. It’s learning to control your controllables.
It isn’t a feeling
Forgiveness isn’t an emotion. It isn’t something you feel. It’s something you do. It is a verb. It is something you CHOOSE. If you wait for the feeling of forgiveness to come, you may never find it. If you actively do the hard work and make the decision, the feeling follows.
It doesn’t mean you’re weak
I used to believe that forgiving someone meant you were weak. Because I didn’t understand what true forgiveness is. I never wanted to be someone that could be walked all over, but I equated forgiving with forgetting and “giving in”.
Forgiving takes more strength, courage, and bravery than I ever knew-when you do it with boundaries. You can forgive someone completely and never talk to them again. You can forgive, and not give them the power to hurt you again. You can forgive and have no intention to rebuild that relationship. Forgiveness is about accepting something as if you’d chosen it. If you accept it and let the hurt both build you and soften you, you will find a new type of peace that you didn’t know existed.
It’s freedom
Forgiveness will SET YOU FREE. When you forgive, you are freeing yourself from the chains of bitterness. You are choosing YOU. You are taking back your power and moving forward with a clean heart. You are no longer bound to negativity and heaviness. You are light and free to move forward. You open up more space for all of the good-more love, growth, joy, gratitude, and beauty.
Work toward forgiving. It’s tough work, but it’s so worth it.
If you’re working on forgiveness, try these forgiveness journal prompts to guide you.
https://betteroffhealed.etsy.com/listing/4305277925/forgiveness-journal-prompts-healing
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