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Narcissist is a term that is probably a bit overused, but we have all heard of the traits of narcissism. Most of us know people that have many of these traits and it doesn’t take long to figure it out.
What we don’t hear about enough, are the covert narcissists. These are the most dangerous because they’re draped in a cloak of false humility graciousness, and even kindness.
The covert narcissists are hidden in plain sight. They don’t show obvious signs of a personality disorder. They aren’t openly cruel or showy with their selfishness. People like them. They often present as helpful, sociable, down to earth people
Narcissists are not always easy to spot, especially if they’re the covert kind. Covert narcissists are arguably the most dangerous kind because they’re able to easily slip under the radar, convincing everyone around them that they’re the good guy.
While I’m not trained to diagnose (and you’re probably not either), most narcissists will not ever be diagnosed because the very nature of their illness is the inability to self reflect and admit weakness. Even though I can’t diagnose a narcissist, I can share some of the things I have learned along the way dealing with and educating myself about probable narcissists I’ve had in my life.
Signs You Might Be Dealing With A Covert Narcissist:
They’re passive aggressive
Covert narcissists don’t operate in directness. They are smart enough to cover their tracks and will insult you, belittle you, or express their displeasure in more subtle ways than a typical narcissist. Instead of calling you names, they may make sarcastic comments or give backhanded compliments. If they’re unhappy with you, rather than directly communicating, they will let you know through pouting, withholding affection, or giving the silent treatment.
Their grandiosity is subtle
Like typical narcissists, covert narcissists do experience gradiosity-inflated sense of importance and superiority. Unlike typical narcissists, covert narcissists cover their gradiosity with false humility and may even appear to be shy. Don’t be fooled, however. Deep down they feel a sense of superiority and look down on others. Although subtle, some of the signs to look for are
- name dropping
- competing with others by trying to outshine them
- taking credit but avoiding blame
- Constant one upping
- Humblebragging
- Being a know-it-all
They lack empathy
A hallmark characteristic of narcissism is the lack of empathy they have for others. Narcissists are typically very self-centered and have a difficult time putting themselves in the shoes of others. Covert narcissists are usually very good at masking and faking empathy, but their lack of empathy will come through eventually. I remember a covert narcissist in my life looking at me while I was crying and heartbroken (over something they had done) and saying “it’s like I just look at you crying and I feel nothing.” That was one of the few times that person was ever honest with me.
They’re always the victim
Oh, the ability to play victim is astounding. Covert narcissists will find a way to become the victim to virtually any circumstance that makes them uncomfortable and ESPECIALLY the circumstances they themselves created. No matter what, they will avoid any kind of real accountability and everything will always be someone else’s fault (usually yours).
They seek attention in more subtle ways (exaggerating, lying, playing victim)
While many narcissists thrive when they are the center of attention, covert narcissists are a little more, well, covert in their need for attention. They may pretend to be shy or humble, but seeking outward validation is everything to them. They thrive on attention, but they may seek it in less flashy ways than their overt counterparts. For example, they may often exaggerate, boast about accomplishments, and they have mastered the art of the “humble brag.” They may also use their uncanny ability to play victim to their advantage by telling everyone around them how they were wronged.
Sense of entitlement
Covert narcissists believe that they are entitled to everything. They feel that they are owed respect without doing anything to earn it. They believe and act as if the world owes them.
Don’t take responsibility
A narcissist of any kind is allergic to responsibility. They will be full of excuses and explanations, victim mentality, and will blame anyone and everyone but themselves. To fully accept responsibility, a person has to be willing to admit wrongdoing and take accountability. Narcissists do not have the capacity to sit with any kind of shame, so you will not get a heartfelt, lasting apology or acknowledgement of hurt caused from them.
Don’t take criticism well
Narcissists do not take rejection or criticism well at all. Shame tends to be the core trigger for narcissists and anything that creates shame causes a big reaction-sometimes externally and sometimes more internally. When rejected or criticized, narcissists will make excuses, blame the other person, or quietly simmer in anger.
Gaslighting and Manipulation
A covert narcissist uses more subtle forms of manipulation and control such as gaslighting. While an overt narcissist may be more openly abusive (name calling, etc), covert narcissists tend to use quieter tactics. They will manipulate in ways that are less obvious, making it more difficult to spot. They will use triangulation, they’ll talk you in circles, they will make you doubt your own experience and truth. Skilled manipulators will have you running circles around yourself without even knowing how you got there. Gaslighting-making you question or doubt your own reality-is one of the trickiest tactics because it makes you lose trust in yourself. Covert narcissists love to use this one because if they can get you to question yourself and doubt your own experiences, then you can’t call them out or hold them accountable.
So, what do you do when you suspect a Covert Narcissist has taken root in your life?
First, see it for what it is. Once you see it and accept it for what it is, you will never unsee it.
If you continue to allow the narcissist to take hold in your life, you are setting yourself up for a life of misery. A narcissist will drain you of everything good-your joy, your sparkle, your confidence. If you can’t cut out the narcissist completely, you have to set firm boundaries and stick to them.
- Limit their access to you-limit your time with them. Do not be readily available to them and interact with them only on an as-needed basis.
- Implement the gray rock method-the gray rock method is when you become as uninteresting as possible to the narcissist. You give them nothing-no emotion, no information, no drama. Eventually they learn that you won’t feed their need for supply and they will lose interest.
- Focus on their behavior, not words-you have learned by now that the covert narcissist can be very convincing. They are intuitive about reading you and knowing what you want to hear, and they will shamelessly lie and say what they know you want to hear with no intention to follow through. Ignore their words and only look at their behavior and patterns.
- Learn as much as you can about narcissism. Empower yourself with knowledge about the typical behaviors and patterns of narcissists. The more you educate yourself, the more you will be able to understand and spot those tactics and characteristics.
- Choose your battles. If you allow it to be, everything can turn into a battle and power struggle with the narcissist. That is exhausting and no way to live. There are some battles worth fighting when it comes to dealing with a covert narcissist. Choose them sparingly and when it’s time to battle, go all in.
- Focus on yourself. Focus on your life. Chances are that if you have a narcissist in your life, everything has revolved around them and their needs for a long time. Shift the focus to you. Build your life, focus on healthy relationships, lean on your support system, do the things that bring you joy. Live for you.
Healing from the damage a narcissist can cause in your life isn’t easy and takes time. The sooner you see it for it what it is, the sooner you can begin the process of healing and living your best life. Once you’ve dealt with someone like this, you will be empowered to spot the signs sooner and never allow someone like this into your world again.
