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  • 13 Things To Stop Caring About To Be Happier

    I have always been a deeply feeling, sensitive person. When I was younger, I cared so much about absolutely EVERYTHING. When you have a big heart and you’re a pleaser, you tend to feel big things about lots of things. Although I wouldn’t change that about myself, if left unchecked for too long, it can be exhausting and lead to burnout. 

    Now that I am in my 40s, an amazing shift has happened. Maybe it’s the beginning of perimenopause. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through some hard things and I’ve seen people I love go through some hard things, so it makes everything else feel so much less important. Maybe it’s because I’m just simply tired of people’s crap. Whatever it is, not caring so much about every single is so liberating. I’ve learned to better control where my energy and emotion goes and it has brought so much more peace to my life. If you want to feel more of that peace, too, I’ve put together a list of things I stop caring so much about. 

    Stop caring about what everyone else thinks

    This one took me a long time. I am a natural born people pleaser and I always wanted approval from everyone for every decision I made. I never wanted to rock the boat and the thought of disappointing anyone in my life was unfathomable. As life unfolded, I realized that the very people I was seeking approval from were not even the people that really mattered in my life. They weren’t living in my skin, paying my bills, or living with the consequences of my choices. I learned to follow my intuition. When something felt right, I let that feeling lead me, no matter what someone else said or thought about it. I learned to really trust myself-to believe in my own judgement and decision making skills. When I let my intuition lead, life always worked out for the better. I learned to simply let people judge if they were going to and to detach from their judgement. Their judgement and opinions became background noise once I tuned into my own inner voice and let it lead me. 

    Stop caring so much about what your body looks like

    If you grew up in 90s and 2000s beauty culture, you know how impossible this one can feel. I grew up in the Kate Moss thin beauty standard era. Although there seems to be more of a movement toward body love and acceptance, the youth worshipping /Botox/influencer/highly filtered beauty expectations are still there and still powerful. 

    Physical beauty is still worshipped in our culture and it isn’t easy to get away from the pressures that come along with that. As you age, your body changes. You can mask those changes for a while, but eventually there comes a point when you accept that stretch marks, wrinkles, hair loss, and cellulite are just normal facts of life and aging. Your physical body will change and evolve with age and when you realize that you are so much more than your body, you start to care so much less about it. I spent so many years a slave to my appearance. I wasted so much precious time and energy on trying to be acceptable on the outside and now I wish I had put that energy into learning and loving myself. While I do believe our bodies are sacred and should be nourished and taken care of, I wish I’d spent an equal amount of energy nourishing and taking care of myself on the inside. 

    Stop caring about trying to change people. 

    Hear me when I say this: You cannot change anyone. You are not responsible for another soul on this earth. Their choices are theirs, their consequences are theirs. You can love them, you can support them, you can encourage them, but you cannot change them. Once you realize that your only responsibility is you, you will find freedom. 

    Stop caring about the apology you never received.

    You will not make it through life unscathed by the ugliness of people. You will be betrayed, lied to, lied about, hurt, manipulated, and disappointed. Someone may even hurt you enough that it completely rearranges you or impacts your entire life forever. Stop waiting on them to apologize. People capable of causing that level of damage in your life are either

     1. Not evolved or mature enough to grasp the impact that their words and actions have on others and they won’t accept true responsibility or

     2. They are so incredibly selfish and unempathetic that they really just don’t care. 

    Either way, if someone hurts you to your core and doesn’t take responsibility, the problem lies within them. There is no amount of explaining your pain or begging for answers that is going to give you the closure you need. The closure has to come from within yourself. You have to find a way to accept who they are and what they did, understand that it had nothing to do with you or your worth, and move forward because you’ve got things to do.

    Stop caring about the opinions of people that aren’t doing better than you 

    I like to call these kinds of people, well…undercover haters. There are people in your life that will you see your success and happiness and will never cheer for you. Worse, they may try to cut you down or belittle your success or happiness. They will try to minimize the good things that happen for you because you reflect what they aren’t willing to do for themselves, and people do not like their shortcomings reflected back to them. 

    Although usually subtle, you will notice these people by how you feel around them. They may make a sarcastic comment disguised as a joke, they don’t congratulate you when something good happens, or they may ignore it altogether. They might scoff or laugh at a new venture you take on. They might try to plant subtle seeds of doubt. Ignore them. Again, this is not about you at all. It’s about them and their smallness. Because that’s where judgement and jealousy come from-someone living from a place of lack or smallness rather than abundance. Stick close to the people that genuinely cheer you on, are thrilled for your successes, and genuinely love seeing you happy. 

    Stop caring about the things that you have no control over

    It’s is so much more than you think. Although we like to deceive ourselves into believing we have control of our little corner of the world, we really don’t. There are so many things beyond our control and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we are free. When you realize how little control you actually have, you can focus on the few things that you do control (your attitude, your thoughts, your responses, your reactions) and lay the rest down. 

    Stop caring so much about materialistic things 

    We all enjoy nice things, but if you ask almost anyone that has been through some kind of life altering challenge, you will hear them say “possessions don’t matter.” They just don’t. It’s okay to enjoy nice things, just don’t get caught in the trap of caring TOO much about them. When your time on earth is up, people aren’t going to define your life by the designer purse or nice car, but they are going to remember what kind of person you were, how you made others feel, and what you stood for.  

    Stop caring so much about achieving and focus more on being 

    We are trained from a young age that our worth can be wrapped up in what we achieve, how productive we are and how many items we can check off of our checklists and to dos. We get so caught up in the doing, that it’s easy to lose track of the importance of BEING. It’s nice to feel accomplished and productive, but true peace comes with the ability to simply be. Just as we are. Being present in the moment we are in, being still, taking time for rest, showing up and living in the moment with the people we love. That is really what life is made of. 

    Stop caring about what your inner bully is saying to you

    We all have that bully inner voice that tells us we aren’t enough. We aren’t smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. Or maybe we are too much. Too loud, too opinionated, too emotional. That inner bully-the one that makes you feel less-is made up of meaningless thoughts born from insecurity and the lies that the world tells us about ourselves. It’s not credible. It doesn’t know what its talking about. It might be loud, but it’s not wise. When it starts to beat you up, replace it with your inner advocate-that voice that you would use if you were speaking to your best friend. Allow that voice to take over and drown the bully out. 

    Stop caring about what everyone else is doing

    Stop comparing your life with everyone else. We all have our own demons, struggles, gifts, opportunities and lessons. You only see a minuscule percentage of someone’s life-you have no idea what demons someone had to fight to get to where they are. You didn’t see the grind that got them to their successful job. You didn’t see the heartbreaks or loneliness that led them to that love. You have no idea what insecurities they have battled despite how beautiful you think they are. You didn’t see the fear that they had to fight through to take the chance that led them to an amazing opportunity.

    The bottom line is, what you see of other people is usually just their highlight reel. Especially if it’s on social media. It’s not fair to compare your struggle to their highlights. Stop worrying about them. Stop comparing your journey to theirs. They have their own journey to take and you have yours. Keep the focus on yours. 

    Having a spotless, aesthetic house/life

    It’s wonderful to love your physical environment. A clean house with a candle burning is top tier self care and is so good for your mental health. The problem comes when you care too much about your house being spotless and perfectly aesthetic. When it gets to the point that spotlessness becomes perfectionism and more pressure you put on yourself, it is no longer worth it. It leads to feeling like a failure when it can’t always be Pinterest perfect. It turns living for how you want others to see you than really living for yourself. The real question is does your home feel warm and inviting? Is it your safe space? Is it cozy and comfortable? Does it reflect that things that are important to you? Those are the things that matter.

    The timeline you thought you’d follow

    Most of us have a plan about how we think our life will go. We have an idea of the step by step-get an education or join the workforce, find a job you love, fall in love, get married, have children, live happily ever after. Sounds great, right? Sounds simple. We forget to factor in the fact that life does not care about our plans or our timelines. Life is going to throw us curveballs. Everything can change in an instant. The only plan is that there is no plan and there is no set timeline you need to follow. You don’t have to be married and settled down by a certain age. You can change your mind about your career path as many times as you want. You are allowed to wait to have kids or not have them at all if that’s not what you want. Life has no template that everyone should follow. Get really familiar with your intuition. Learn who you are, create the experience you want to have and follow the path that lights you up. Life can and will change and if you’re adaptable and trust that you can handle whatever comes your way, you’re going to be just fine. Forget the timeline and the “shoulds” and do what feels right for you. 

    Being misunderstood 

    A normal human need is to feel seen and understood. We all need that. But you don’t have to be seen and understood by every single person. In fact, it is completely impossible. You will have plenty of people in your life that misunderstand you. They may assign intentions to you that aren’t yours. They may believe a rumor about you that isn’t true. They may base their opinion of you on what someone else has told them. It doesn’t matter. There will be some people in your life that cannot or will not see or understand you no matter how many times you try to explain or defend yourself. You have to let that go. You can’t spend all of your precious energy trying to convince someone about who you are if they’re not open to seeing it. You know who you are, stand in that. Give your energy to the people that do see you, understand you, and love you just as you are. Those are the people that deserve your time. 

    Trying to fix everything for everyone 

    I am a nurturer by nature. I do not enjoy conflict and I thrive when there is harmony and everyone around me is happy. However, we all know that when people are involved, there is no such thing as kumbaya. It is not your job (or mine) to fix everything and everyone. Conflict and struggle are normal parts of life. It’s where resilience and problem solving skills are built. Sometimes people need to sit with the consequences of their choices and sometimes we have to let them do that without rushing in to try to fix it.  

    Channel your care into what matters

    Something I have learned to love about myself is my big heart and ability to feel and care deeply. I would not change that, but I have learned to channel it. I’ve learned the things and people that are worth all of that care and have learned what it’s okay to care less about. When you learn to give less energy to the things that you can’t control and the things that don’t really matter, it leaves more room to pour all of that care into the things and people that do. 

  • How To Find Your Green Flagger and Live Happily Ever After

    We all think we want that storybook romance. We want a partner to sweep into our lives, sing love songs outside of our bedroom window, buy huge bouquets of flowers for no particular reason, publicly declare their love for us every day, and when they’re wrong they should always apologize into a microphone in front of a large crowd. 

    Besides the fact that most of the above are clues that prince charming is actually an undercover narcissist and you should probably run far away, this kind of romance sounds rather exhausting. Sure, it sounds fun for a while, but there’s a reason the honeymoon period doesn’t last forever. The reason is…reality. 

    Not one of those romance novels or romantic comedies has a sequel featuring the glamorous parts of a partnership-cleaning up dog diarrhea together at 2 am, arguing over how to properly load the dishwasher, the way he gulps water like a suffocating fish. THAT is the real romance. Going through the mundane day to day and not murdering each other. 

    Your partner is one of the most important choices you will ever make. Choose wrong and you will fimnd yourself crying on the kitchen floor because you have to set the mouse traps yourself after he trades you in for a younger model. Choose right, and you will laugh every day-even when he leaves crumbs everywhere that invite a brand new mouse family to move in. 

    Now, that’s a lot of pressure. Two Roads or whatever Robert Frost said. Choose the wrong one and you’re in for a lifetime of misery. How do you know which to choose? Here are the green flags nobody tells you about (and not one of them includes a profession of love on a jumbotron or stopping a flight with only seconds to spare to profess your love just before they fly away to move to some remote island across the world. 

    1. You feel safe with them.

    This one should be a given, but I’m not talking about physical safety. If you don’t feel physically or emotionally safe-GET OUT. That will not get better with time and you’re setting yourself up for a life that is unnecessarily difficult. Now that that disclaimer is out of the way, the kind of safety I’m talking about is the kind where you can stuff your face full of chocolate cake in front of them and they cheer you on with pride. You feel safe to share your most ridiculous fears and they don’t laugh at you. You can be fully honest with them. You have solid trust. You know they will always protect you physically and emotionally. 

    2. They make you laugh.

    It isn’t much fun being around someone that takes themselves too seriously. Laughter makes your soul lighter. Humor makes hard things easier and turns the mundane into magic. Finding someone that makes you regularly crack up is the ultimate life hack. 

    3. You have fun doing boring things.

    One of the best indicators that you have found the right partner is having fun doing things that are not designed to be fun. When you’re together, a trip to the grocery store can turn into an adventure. Putting furniture together results in laughing to tears (okay, maybe that is unrealistic-it at least doesn’t end with someone smashing the furniture with a hammer out of frustration). Scratch that. It’s probably unfair to expect any kind of humor when spending hours putting together furniture only to finish and find that the legs are on backward. Maybe you can laugh about it later?

    4. They don’t judge you.

    You can be completely and totally yourself. One of the biggest green flags my now husband has is that I can be sitting on the couch, crushing a whole bag of  Doritos while watching trashy reality TV and drinking a glass of wine with stains on my t-shirt and my hair in a ridiculous bun and he stands back and looks at me with admiration. I actually think he’s HAPPY FOR ME in those moments. He encourages my 2 hour long baths. When he hears the water running, he says “see you tomorrow!” I don’t ever have to edit myself around him, because I know he knows my heart. There is something to be said for being with someone that embraces all of you-even when you look like a sloth that just came out of the washing machine. 

    5. Their words breathe life.

    Green Flag Men are intentional with their words. They encourage and validate. They build you up. They give genuine compliments and never try to make you feel smaller. When their words do sting, they are quick to acknowledge and apologize. Their words are also truthful. They don’t lie to you. 

    6. They treat others well.

    This one is huge. You can tell what color someone’s flag is pretty quickly by noticing how they treat people. Especially the people that can’t do anything for them. How do they treat waitresses? Grocery clerks? Custodians? Secretaries? Children? The elderly? The disabled? Their mother? If they make others feel seen, are courteous and respectful, kind, and polite, you have probably seen their true character. 

    7. You feel heard.

    Green Flaggers are great listeners. They hear the essence of what you are saying. They might not always agree with you, but they are willing to hear you out. They try to see the other side. They remember the little things and you’re often surprised when they bring up some small detail that you barely remember telling them. 

    8. They are generally grateful.

    It is so nice to be around people that are grateful. Grateful people are happier, more positive, and just nice to be around. They find pleasure in the smallest things. My husband will eat a piece of cheesecake and will talk in detail for a good five minutes about how wonderful that cheesecake is and why. His state of gratefulness often reminds me to focus on the simple good in life. Having someone that is grateful as a partner every day makes life so much happier, and who doesn’t want that in their lives?

    9. They are selfless and empathetic.

    Choosing someone that is selfless and empathetic is a sure way to vaccinate yourself against being stuck with a toxic or narcissistic partner. These qualities are so important. Someone that puts others above themselves and has the ability to feel for others almost guarantees that you are choosing a good human to walk alongside life with. 

    10. Your core values align.

    You won’t agree on everything, and if you do then chances are good someone isn’t being authentically themselves. However, you align where it counts. The kind of person you want to be, what your absolute non negotiables are, what you value most, who you are at your core. If those things don’t align, the chances of it working long term are pretty slim. 

    11. They have integrity.

    This one kind of goes without saying, but apparently it still needs to said. It really should be a no brainer, but I see so many wonderful people end up with a partner that lacks basic integrity. They cheat, lie, and manipulate like it’s their job. Why would anyone overlook a lack of integrity? One, because we see what we want to see in others-especially when we love them. Two, manipulators manipulate and when we are someone that has integrity, it’s hard to believe that everyone doesn’t think the way we do. There are usually at least subtle signs when someone lacks integrity and they usually show up as small things-lying about something, cheating to win, not respecting boundaries, making fun of others behind their back. If you see small cracks in integrity, you can be sure there is an earthquake to come. 

    12. They are self aware and reflective.

    Green Flaggers know their strengths and flaws. They are always willing to challenge their own thoughts and beliefs and are open to growing and learning. This is one of the things I love best about my Green Flagger. When I let him know something he is doing bothers me, he doesn’t get defensive and let his ego take over. He takes time and reflects and is always willing to work on that thing. Most importantly, he puts ACTION behind it. He doesn’t just say the words, he shows me that he is reflective. He doesn’t always think he’s right and he is willing to admit when he is wrong. He is always looking to grow as a person and a partner. 

    13. They prioritize your relationship.

    A relationship can only be strong if both partners are invested. A Green Flag Partner will never leave you questioning how important your relationship is to them. They will let you know in word and in action. While they will live their own lives and have their own interests (as they should), they will not consistently choose anything or anyone else over nurturing your connection. They won’t make you feel abandoned or overlooked. They will fight for your relationship right alongside you. 

    14. They can be vulnerable.

    Another green flag is the ability to be vulnerable. A Green Flagger is comfortable with emotions and has no trouble showing you their vulnerabilities. Through vulnerability, connection grows. 

    15. They encourage your independence.

    If your partner is threatened by your success, friendships, or strengths, they might as well have a giant red flag tattooed on their face. If they try to control you, isolate you, or put you down, they’re not the partner for you. A Green Flagger will be your biggest cheerleader. They understand that by lifting you up, they rise too. They are your biggest cheerleader and support and encourage your independence apart from your relationship. My Green Flagger encourages Girls’ Nights because he knows how good they are for my soul. He cheers on any new endeavor I take on and is the first in line to build me up. 

    16. They are consistent.

    In those romance novels, the Prince Charming is always tall, dark, handsome with a chiseled body (usually from manual labor and hardly ever from working out in the gym). They show up at the right moments to rescue the damsel in distress and with one smoldering look and a kiss that takes 73 pages to build up to, they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Forget the chiseled biceps, white knight complex, and perfect amount of stubble-there is nothing more attractive than consistency. Someone that doesn’t leave you guessing about how they feel. Someone that doesn’t put you through an endless cycle of showing up, love bombing, and then disappearing. Someone that doesn’t make you feel the need to play games. Someone that says the words and backs them up with the action. Every single time. Now THAT’s the real romance. 

    While the fairytale sounds great, in reality, the more it feels like a fairytale the more probable it is that there are a lot of gleaming bright red flags waving in your face that you’re ignoring. If he tells you on the first date that he’s madly in love with you and you are perfect and amazing with no flaws, he’s love bombing and you should run (if you lose your glass slipper, kick the other one off and sprint faster). If he thinks he is actual royalty and the waitress is a peasant that he talks down to-that isn’t a testament to his royal power, but a glimpse into his ego filled power trip. If he throws rocks at your window in the middle of the night, that’s not romantic. It’s creepy and he’d better pray he doesn’t crack your window or he will be replacing it himself. 

    The red flags sometimes look a lot like what Disney and Lifetime movies have taught us are signs of a storybook romance and true love. True green flags aren’t nearly as glamorous, but they are the ones that give you a true Happily Ever After. 

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