How to Be an Anti-Pinterest Mom in 11 Easy Steps
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I admire the Pinterest Moms. You know the ones. They have it together. They wake up at 4 am to do Pilates, cut their kids’ sandwiches into star shapes and put them lovingly in Bento boxes, eat only organic whole foods and drink green shakes. Their highlights are perfect, nails flawless, and their kids are geniuses with incredible manners. I want to be her. Since that is never going to happen, I’ll just embrace being a hot mess mediocre mom throwing a preservative filled lunchable and a few old carrots into a grocery bag with a note that says “have a good day!” I know who I am. If you, too, want to live an Anti-Pinterest life, follow my tips below.
- Don’t invest too much time into cleaning
Cleaning takes up so much time. It’s so nice to have a clutter free, great smelling home with shiny floors. I sometimes spend an entire weekend organizing, sweeping, dusting, and mopping to turn around on Monday at 7:02 am to find remnants of a hurricane I didn’t even see happen. HOW? They have only been awake for like 15 minutes.
So, I have decided that instead of giving up a weekend that I could have been reading, napping, binge watching Netflix (you know, the important things in life), I’m going to do just enough to avoid inviting the show Hoarders over and let the rest of it go.
- Embrace Mismatched Socks
Matching socks are overrated. I have spent literal hours of my life matching socks and the little one only has three pairs that he deems acceptable anyway. (No toe seams, the heel has to fit perfectly, and they can’t be too soft or too stretchy. He’s the Goldilocks of socks). So, now we have a laundry basket filled with mismatched socks. I’m teaching my kids a valuable lesson-if you want something, you have to work for it. You want socks that match? Good luck on your sock basket journey. May the odds be ever in your favor.
However, if you kinda want to have socks that match, this sock sorter is such a simple, but brilliant solution.Sock Laundry Bag
- Feed your kids whatever
Do french fries count as vegetables?
To be a true Anti-Pinterest mom, you need to understand that frozen pizza is a perfectly acceptable dinner option. Nutrition is important, of course. Kids can’t live on Ruffles alone. They also won’t die if you occasionally run through a drive thru or allow them to eat cereal for dinner. Sometimes, it’s just about survival and that’s ok.
- Master the “mom bun”
No pressure to have perfectly coiffed hair (what the heck does coiffed mean anyway)
If you’re going to do this anti-Pinterest thing right, you need to master the mom bun. I’m not talking about the kind where you curl your hair and put it into a beautiful updo, then strategically place bobby pins and pull out pieces to frame your face just so. I’m talking about the actual mom bun. The kind where you have some unknown sticky substance that dry shampoo won’t fix so you have to pile your hair into a what looks like a coiled snake on the top of your head, secured with a rubber band because you can’t find any hair ties. Where do those dang things disappear to anyway?
- Be honest with yourself about your flaws.
When you’re just a mediocre mom, you accept your flaws. As much as I really wish I had a natural green thumb, I am a death sentence for anything that grows in dirt. I have finally accepted that plastic plants can look just as nice and you don’t have to remember to water them. Okay, maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better about my secret life as a serial plant murderer. At least it’s not first degree murder-it’s more like plant manslaughter. I really do try.
These are beautiful and they can’t be murdered, so win-winFaux Plant Decor
- Don’t worry about making your bed
Anti-Pinterest moms never make their bed. We have learned time management skills-focusing on the things that we should prioritize (keeping kids alive, not burning the house down, etc) and bed making is not one of them. You’re just going to collapse into bed after you have poured every ounce of energy into those life sucking offspring of yours anyway. You won’t even notice if the bed is made.
- Make it Very Clear You’d Make a Horrible PTO President
One of the perks of being the hot mess mom is that you’re never going to be asked to be the PTO President or lead a classroom craft. You will do your part by sending in an occasional box of tissues or Clorox wipes and that will be perfectly fine.
- Never let them know that you know how to cook
When you’re the Anti-Pinterest mom, you never have the pressure of bringing your grandma’s ancient secret family pie recipe to gatherings. You have it easy. All you need to do is show up with ice and drinks and occasionally some paper plates.
- Find creative ways to save money.
You learn simple money saving hacks like reusing gift bags and substituting grocery bags for small trash bags. You also have 12 cash back apps on your phone, and on the rare occasion that you remember to use one of them, you earn a whopping 42 cents.
Just think, you can put all of that saved money into a wine fund.
Edited To Add Since posting this I discovered the ultimate AntiPinterest mom cash back app. Just connect your Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Kroger accounts and you don’t have do anything else. I started last week and just for shopping and sharing my code, I’m up to $700 as of this update. That’s one heck of a wine fund. (Note: you can only cash out $50 a day)https://brandclub.com/appshare?referralCode=5fef09a1-20fd-47db-a544-6aeb6c72f684
- Find shortcuts that make life easier
Crayon on the walls? You’ve learned that a Magic Eraser works faster than an elaborate homemade concoction involving vinegar, baking soda, lemon peels, and the juice of some elusive wild berry. Just use the dang Magic Eraser.
- Always Wash the same load of laundry three times
A true Anti-Pinterest mom never washes, dries, folds and puts away laundry all in one whack. If you want to excel at mediocrity, you should NEVER separate clothes by color or fabric. Just throw it all in on cold and hope for the best.. You have to put the laundry in the washer and then forget all about it for at least a day. When you do remember, it already smells a little funky, so you’d better wash it again. Throw it in the dryer and again, forget all about it until ten minutes before you need that nice shirt. Open the dryer and discover that the nice shirt is full of so many wrinkles that it is unwearable. Start the dryer again to get the wrinkles out (because you don’t own an iron) and find another shirt to wear. Throw the dryer clothes into a laundry basket. Leave them in the basket until you need something again. Most importantly, an Anti-Pinterest mom NEVER gets around to folding and putting away. Repeat until you die.
Now that you know the basics of how to live an Anti-Pinterest lifestyle, you are ready to go out into the world and live your life like the hot mess you are. Stay alert and learn to spot the signs of other Anti-Pinterest moms. The mom that always needs to borrow the sunscreen because she forgets hers, the one with a 3 week old chicken nugget hanging out on her back floorboard (interestingly enough it still looks like it just came out of the fryer), the mom that wears dollar store sunglasses to hide her tired, makeup-less eyes. With any luck, you will find a few fellow hot mess moms to order takeout and drink White Claws with. Look closely-sometimes she’s hiding behind a venti Starbucks cup and a beautifully filtered Instagram picture.
Now excuse me while I go restart my laundry for the third time.