The Joy and the Suck

I have become very skilled at finding positives in challenging situations. Looking for the good, focusing on gratitude, taking what comes my way and making something meaningful from it, doing all the positive, self growth things.

I have been soaking in time with the kids lately. Some great heart to hearts, cuddles, reading together, dance parties, wrestling matches (that never end well). Last night, my youngest talked my ear off at bed time as usual and then got quiet and I looked over at him sleeping and just wanted to cry, knowing he wouldn’t be laying beside me for the next couple of nights.

I know how to find the good. But sometimes there are things that just flat out suck. Missing your kids half the time when you share them is one of those things.

Sometimes I find myself trying to talk myself out of my feelings-well, they’re happy and safe and loved and that’s all that matters. Its not about you. It’s just the new normal. Things work out the way they’re supposed to. You’re happy. They’re happy. You get free time to focus on yourself or get things done, It could always be so much worse.

And all of those things are true and valid. But so is the suck. Not being able to be with your babies every day and missing out on so much of their day to day lives is hard. There’s no way around that. It will always be hard. It doesn’t get better. It never doesn’t feel like a gut punch when it’s time to say goodbye (even just for a couple of days). I’ve accepted that.

You can be grateful and sad at the same time. It can be a relief to have kid free time and it can be the absolute heaviest cloud too. I am grateful. So grateful to have these beautiful kiddos. So thankful that they are so well loved by so many people. But I still have a hole in my heart when they’re not here. I still grieve the moments I’ve had to miss-while soaking in all the ones I’ve been blessed to experience. Joy and grief aren’t mutually exclusive. Relief and sadness can be congruent. You can have the most absolutely beautiful, wonderful life (and I do) while still feeling the loss of the one you thought you were going to have. All I ever wanted was to be a mama-and God allowed me to be. I absolutely treasure it, and I hate that it doesn’t look the way I wanted it to.

It’s ok to feel it all. Even all at the same time. Don’t feel guilty for not being positive 100% of the time. It’s ok to acknowledge that some things just flat out suck. Focus on your blessings, but also don’t forget to feel your feelings. Yes, soak in the joy, but also sit with the suck.

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